Never Quite Enough

For a long time I've been struggling with a faith question and I think I've finally worked it out (for myself). Before in this blog I've wondered whether we are good people who sometimes make bad mistakes or bad people who try to make good choices. This conflict stemmed from a paradox found in the Bible. We were created in God's wonderous image and yet we all are sinners (thanks to Adam and Eve), therefore unworthy of God's love. Yet through the grace of God (due to the love and sacrifice of Jesus Christ), we have been adopted into the family of God. In my mind, it came down to two options: Either we were unworthy sinners or God's shining images and worthy.

This dilema was resolved for me when I considered a new idea. What if it's not exclusively one or the other but both? Furthermore, while at the same time admitting I'm a fallible human being, I choose to focus on seeing myself as God sees me? Sort of like those optical illusions that are two pictures at once?

Constantly viewing myself as a sinner has been detrimental in my efforts to be closer to God. Responses like, "Lord, I'm not worthy to receive you but only say the words and I shall be healed," and hearing numerous sermons about the many sins I was guilty of (in either thought or deed) led me to believe I would never be good enough for God. I will fail and fail again. Is it any wonder then why so many gay Christians give up and quit the church or give up and quit life? However if I choose to see myself as the essence of love, joy and peace, I can rise above the self-loathing unworthiness and be able to smile at the world and proclaim "I am a beautiful, marvelous, dare I say, fabulous creation of God."

To you, this discovery many seem pretty obvious, but it took reading a self-help book to get it through my head. I wasn't happy because I didn't believe I was worthy of happiness. I thought happiness took hard work and sacrifice. That, to have a good life, I must fill my life with good things.

Instead, the author stated that anyone and everyone could be happy if they chose happiness. In spite of influencers (positive and negative) all around me, I can choose, each day, to be happy now, in this moment. It's not about "bettering myself" through products, exercise, new clothes, work, affirmations or pleasures. It's about accessing the peace, love and joy that dwell within me to shine through me to rest of the world.

There is a trite saying that applies here: "Let God and Let God." I actually appreciate the simplicity of that imperative statement (Who's a grammar teacher?). The following song has always been a favourite of mine and now I can see how it really applies to my life.

When the weight of all my dreams

Is resting heavy on my head,

And the thoughtful words of health and hope

Have all been nicely said.

But I'm still hurting,

Wondering if Ill ever be

The one I think I am.

I think I am.

Then you gently re-remind me

That you've made me from the first,

And the more I try to be the best

The more I get the worst.

And I realize the good in me,

Is only there because of who you are.

Who you are...

And all I ever have to be

Is what you've made me.

Any more or less would be a step

Out of your plan.

As you daily recreate me,

Help me always keep in mind

That I only have to do

What I can find.

And all I ever have to be

All I have to be

All I ever have to be

Is what you've made me.