Do You Think I'm Satisfied?

I tried to stay ahead, I tried to stay on top,

I tried to play the part, But somehow I forgot,

Just what I did it for, And why I wanted more,

This type of modern life - Is it for me?

This type of modern life - Is it for free?

Listening to this song during last week's Madonnarama party at fly got me thinking about all the conditions I have put on enjoying happiness now. Judgements like "I'm not good enough." always results in "I should do more", "I must try harder," and "I ought to get everything right."

The book I just finished reading suggested that I make a "musterbation" list. This is a list of all the restrictions on happiness that I have invented for myself. Never one to turn down an opportunity to make a list, I jumped at the chance! I found the product quite enlightening as you will see...

Danifesto's Musterbation List!

To be happy I must move out of my parents' house/to Korea/to Canada.

To be happy I must get a boyfriend/move in/get engaged/get married.

To be happy I must be in a relationship/a better one/a better one/a long-term one/ with someone who isn't a dork/ with someone smarter/cuter/hotter/faithful/funny/a better one....

To be happy I must look amazingly fabulous at all times/especially for this job interview/ date/party

I will be happy when I finish high school/ university/ student teaching.

To be happy I must pay off my student loans/the loan from my parents/my car loan.

To be happy I must get a car/ buy property/ get a house.

To be happy I must be taller/ bigger here/ smaller there/ more hair here/but less hair there/ have six pack abs!

To be happy I must have a job/a better job/ a better paying job / a job I can be out at.

To be happy I must go to church every Sunday/ at a church that's gay friendly/ that isn't too far away/ with good music/ that has services at the time I can get my butt out of bed.

To be happy I must get approval from my parents.

To be happy I must have a cat/ plants/ a child/ children.

To be happy I must have all my worldly belongings under one roof, in one country.

To be happy I must move to a more desirable location/ with TTC access/ in my spending range/ inclusive of all utilities.

To be happy I must be loved/ more/ in the way that I want/ better/ more!

To be happy I must have every episode of Sex in the City/ Six Feet Under/Tales of a City.

To be happy I must be well-read and informed on all subjects/ have read all the good books/ all the books my friends have read/ all the books I should have read.

This list clearly could go on and on. What I've learned from making this list is that after achieving any of these goals, I tend to make new ones, thus delaying my happiness for later. What I'm realizing is that happiness is free, without restrictions or conditions. I really can, if I choose, be happy right now.

How about you? What's on your "musterbation" list?