Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about brokenness. I am now a black belt in Taekwondo. I absolutely love it. Growing up, I was never athletic although I did letter in HS Track. At any rate, Taekwondo is great for me because it's an individual sport and I have a trainer telling me what to do and when and for how long. It's really a win-win for me. Plus it's a little bit social but not too much. At any rate on Wednesday, while doing side-snap kicks, I came down on the outer edge of my right foot and just rolled out. For a split second, all my body weight was transferred to that part of my body. My first thought was embarrassment because I didn't want to cry or pass out in front of the group. After getting it X-rayed the orthopedic surgeon, Dr. Kang, said that I had a "total ligament rupture" (ligaments ripped from the ankle bone) and a "virgin fracture" (a teeny bit of bone came with the ligaments). I have to wear this brace for a month and no TKD for 6 months. Walked with crutches for a couple of days and now I'm trying to go without. Keeping it elevated and all that.
Walking around, being so visibly hurt, seemed to draw people to me with expressions concern. Things were said such as "What did you DO do yourself?" as if I had gotten a tattoo or something. And I have to wonder if this brokenness is what draws people to Christ. There must be something about suffering. Or being imperfect (which is paradoxical isn't it?). Being less than.
I would have to say the last minister I really connected with was an Episcopal woman in a wheelchair. Somehow her being both a minority in her profession as well as a physically challenged person drew me to her. I felt that here was someone God had put into my life to talk about my struggles about being a Christian, loving God and yet being gay at the same time.
Since that time, I've often had occasion to visit with other people and be quite frank about being gay and Christian. People who tend to be disenfranchised with the Church will seem to want to engage me in conversation about my faith and how I see God. They will even share their own background and pain and how they also feel outside the Body of Christ. Many times they express a wish or desire to be closer to God but no idea how to go about that. Ironically being "out" as a gay Christian has allowed me to "witness" more than being just a Christian or just a gay man.
And maybe that's the reason God has chosen not to heal me.
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18