Thursday, August 13, 2009

Enough Guilt to Start My Own Religion

Due to the religious environment that was an integral part of my upbringing, I’ve always felt like a bit of a prude. I curse infrequently, avoid spending large amounts of time without clothes and dislike “oversharing” about one’s sex life. However, given all the indications to the contrary, I’ve recently come to realize that I harbor little to no sex-related feelings of guilt! Why didn’t this happen to me when so many suffer from this?

When I began to experience things I never felt bad about doing it and felt it was a good way to relieve stress. I was actually grateful to God that I had a body that could feel such emotions. I wouldn’t talk openly about it (obviously uncomfortable even defining IT even now!) but as it didn’t hurt anyone, I didn’t feel that it was bad in the very least. My family didn’t mention this subject at all and if there was in increase in trash or laundry, it was never noted, at least not to me!

Now as far as sex with another person was concerned, this topic was actually mentioned from time to time. Generally referring to those that did not follow the rule (that sex was only permitted within the context of marriage), these morality lessons inevitably came to a “bad end.” And yet, when I first shared an experience with another person, I didn’t feel guilty or that I had sinned against God. Perhaps I justified it by saying it simply wasn’t possible to marry another man and so the rule didn’t apply to my situation. I will admit to feeling guilty later but it was because I felt like I should be in a relationship with someone I was in love with and who loved me back.

Since then, I have had the gifts of experience and perspective. Even though some were not in the context of a relationship, most contained aspects of love in the sense that they were caring and respectful, filled with joy and kindness. I've realized that there are a lot of lonely people out there who try to connect or communicate through this medium and I believe God understands and, being compassionate, forgives all things. I’ve found the key is to accept this forgiveness and extend it to ourselves and others around us.

Everyday I wake up and try to do my best to be the authentic creation God has intended me to be. Sometimes I mess up. But I was created perfectly imperfect so that’s okay too. Having said that, I see no more reason to feel guilty for enjoying sex than for feeling the sun warming me through my leather jacket or for the chocolate melting in my mouth. In my eyes, these senses are gifts God has given us to enjoy. Granted, when we misuse these gifts, they can become harmful to others and/or ourselves and that’s when our conscience kicks in. It’s merely telling us that we are better than this. And we are!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is such a great piece. You describe grace in such an honest and pure way.

- Eden